Elder Benjamin Hill: A man in a funny red sheet

Family and friends,

This week has been rough, especially because on Tuesday morning I awoke with no voice and Elder Cardozo (my compañero now uses the name of his mother) awoke to throw up mucus and blood. Why do all my Argentine companions throw up mucus and blood? It's happened all two times I've had an Argentine compañero. I see a trend. I blame it on the Illuminati. For the rest of the week I regained my voice steadily, and now it's completely returned except for my falsetto. That's acceptable, for now. But I still want my falsetto back.

Elder Cardozo also says that my face looks like that of the robot from the movie I, Robot, and though I've never seen it I can see some resemblance in the pictures. That's a bit weird, but interesting.

For basically this whole week we searched out contacts that said we could pass by and we taught a grand total of one lesson this whole week to investigators, and that one was during intercambios with the zone leaders when we taught Pedro (the Elders Hill doubled up on him in awesomeness - remember one of my zone leaders is Elder Hill, right?), and he's even a very strange case because he has heaps of doubts that are uncommon. So this week has been a bit disappointing in that. But the upside is that I and my companion are learning better how to deal with each other better, especially because we've grown more open, which is a good feeling. Neither of my anterior compañeros have treated me in a way that makes me feel comfortable in opening this much, and I finally feel like I can relax on that front for the first time in my mission. Even just because of that, I feel better than I have in a very long time. Once we've both decided to be open, everything becomes so much easier. I also discovered that a lot of the things he does that annoy me (like laughing constantly and at everything) he does in reaction against the threat of deep sadness at missing his family a lot. Just upon hearing that, I finally managed to stop judging him for it. He's no longer Elder Cargoso, he's just good ol' Elder Cardozo (if you get the pun; if you don't... pobrecito).

But before getting to that agreement with Elder Cardozo to be more open, my week was really bad and stressful because we didn't accomplish anything at all. I know that that's not necessarily my fault, as the other people just didn't want anything and I can't change that, but God in the scriptures has promised us success if we keep all His commandments - that means we haven't been keeping the commandments well enough. That's rough, but the wicked take the truth to be hard, so I guess I'm wicked. But I just get to keep trudging and praying until I finally develop a greater desire to serve the King I love.

I was touched this week by the song "Superman (It's Not Easy)" by Five For Fighting, particularly because of the hard times I just passed through. "It may sound absurd, but don't be naive: even heroes have the right to bleed. I may be disturbed, but won't you concede even heores have the right to dream? And it's not easy to be me... I'm only a man in a funny red sheet, only a man looking for a dream." It's hard to accept that I'm imperfect. I want so much to be better, but it always seems that even just being better at something always sits just barely beyond my reach, taunting me by its joint closeness and inaccessibility. I can see how perfect I could be if I could even just be obedient to my own rules, and it's glorious, but after all my immense imperfection I'm just a man in a funny red sheet. But I'm learning step by step, line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and I know that blessed are they that hearkened to God's precepts (see 2 Nephi 28:30). That is my only hope: patience. That's almost as hard to develop as the rest of my problems are to overcome, but that is my lot in this life. I will try to bear it with the grace of God.

Yesterday I had a thought that is very powerful about being spiritually independent. I discovered fully the fact that spiritual independence is no figure of speech. Even the extreme case I thought of is relevant and true: if everyone else in the world, in all of history, were destined for Hell, would YOU still choose to come to Christ? Because even if none will be saved, God wins, because He is Justice, and they would be cast out by that Justice; obviously, He would not be happy with that result, but it would be "success" according to the laws of justice. The Truth, thus, exists outside our reach, and we cannot ever have any power to change the it. We only have power to accept or reject it, and that has to be independent of everything, just as the Truth is independent of everything, and as the Owner of the Truth is independent of all. Do you think God got to be God by relying on some mortal? Obviously not. So we should not, either. The question becomes this: do you choose Him in spite of all others, or because of them? That is what I am trying to develop for myself, especially because I have seen so many members who no longer attend church meetings because they're offended by the actions of someone. There are some people I've met who stopped going to church because not enough people greeted them. I literally cannot think of a more stupid excuse than that. I refuse to be that way. I will follow God in spite of all others, not because of them. I will be a real Superman in the end, not just a man in a silly red sheet.

Please remember that I love you all immensely, and I am grateful for all your support from over there in gringo-landia. I miss you all. Que Dios esté con vosotros.

Mucho amor,

Élder Hill

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